It’s here, everyone. It’s time for the (famous) Fantastically Fun, Fabulous Fall Fornelli Frightfest (finally!). Can you believe we’ve done this for eight consecutive years? We’ve had to endure so many terrible B-rate movies over that time, but we’ve done it — for you. Today’s was no exception. Let’s begin.
October 1: Clown. Rating: 2/5. Comment: This started good — it even cemented my extreme dislike of clowns (along with the recent news that the person dressed as a clown who rang a woman’s doorbell 27 years ago, handed her balloons and flowers, and then shot her in the face was finally caught…but I digress). The concept was fairly original: a man puts on an old clown suit he conveniently finds in a house he’s rebuilding (literally, the chest is CHAINED TO THE WALL — who on Earth would open that box?!) immediately after receiving a call from his wife saying his son’s birthday party clown is a no-show, only to discover he is unable to ever remove the suit and suddenly craves the flesh of children. Is this a 30-minute episode of The Twilight Zone, you may be asking? Nope. It’s a 1 hour and 39 minute movie. In other words, it’s approximately 70 minutes too long. 70 long, torturous minutes, which seem even longer when you consider the number of pauses and interruptions someone faces with a five-month old at home. I wanted to rate this a 1/5 out of sheer resentment, but Josh talked me down from that ledge and reminded me that there were instances of redemption: there was a pretty cool setting in one scene; I jumped a few times; and the special effects were very realistic (right up until the Evil Dead-face-melting-off ripoff). Man, I hate clowns, though.